Eldest Daughter Syndrome and its impact on relationships

The first-born daughter in a family often undergoes a rite of passage marked by the heavy responsibilities and expectations thrust upon her. Although “eldest daughter syndrome” is not a formal diagnosis, it describes a pattern observed in many first-born daughters. The intersection of birth order and gender roles often results in the eldest daughter assuming a caregiver role, stepping into this position at a young age.
She is frequently responsible for taking care of her siblings, effectively acting as a third parent in the household. When their parents are absent, she becomes the substitute parental figure. The expectation for the eldest daughter to assume caregiving responsibilities arises from traditional views that women are inherently maternal, while the first-born is expected to exhibit maturity and assist their parents. These expectations converge in the eldest daughter, who often finds herself in the role of a guinea pig for her parents’ experiments, expectations, and high standards. This role involves very high expectations, and with the bar so high, they are underappreciated.
The immense responsibilities imposed during childhood shape her personality, and mental health, and affect her relationships. The burden of these early duties can lead to challenges in forming and maintaining personal connections and can impact her overall well-being. There’s an ingrained compulsion to be the caregiver, which may even be unhealthy for her at times.
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She’s the ‘mom’ of the group, always ready with an ice cream tub for a heartbroken friend, carrying everyone’s belongings in her tote bag, or even paying the entire lunch bill. However, this caring role becomes unhealthy when she excessively accommodates her friends’ every need and desire. Her nurturing behaviour towards her friends mirrors the care she provided for her siblings back in her childhood. By voluntarily taking on responsibilities such as organising events, offering emotional support, and handling logistical details, the eldest daughter caters to every need of her friend group. This constant urge to keep everything under control and be the glue of the group can be fatiguing. For instance, on a trip, instead of enjoying herself, she is constantly checking on everyone. She’s always there to lend an ear and help people with their problems, but ironically, no one has time to listen to her. This overly maternal and helpful attitude creates an imbalance in the friend circle, where her friends might expect her to handle everything without reciprocating support or acknowledging her efforts.

Perfectionism defines the eldest daughter’s approach to everything, and she carries this weight into her romantic relationships as well. Her motive transitions from trying to be the perfect daughter to the perfect partner. She might be overly people-pleasing in the relationship and have difficulty sharing chores and responsibilities. The eldest daughter often acts as a one-person army, relentlessly overburdening herself with multitasking despite the exhaustion. She is inclined towards grand gestures and acts of service rather than simple words of affection. If her efforts are not reciprocated at her level, she may feel underappreciated. Additionally, she might struggle to express her emotions well, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Having had to wear a mask of maturity for her siblings and parents since childhood, conversations about emotions often make her uneasy. With a lot of vulnerability, she grapples with the anxiety of never being enough and remains plagued by insecurity in her relationship.
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With her colleagues, she may take on additional work responsibilities and stay late to finish tasks. Her people-pleasing behaviour makes it difficult for her to say no to colleagues, while her perfectionism fuels her drive to excel in the workplace. This can create an imbalance between work and personal commitments. She has a hard time delegating responsibilities, which skews team dynamics. For her juniors, similar to how she looked after her siblings, she may have a tendency to micromanage to maintain a sense of control. Her overall need for control affects team productivity and collaboration.
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